


Koopalings: Private Eyes

by koopalingtposefunny



Category: Super Mario & Related Fandoms
Genre: Comedy, Mystery, a huge mess, dont take this seriously forreal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-27
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2019-05-29 08:23:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15069125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/koopalingtposefunny/pseuds/koopalingtposefunny
Summary: The history and the mystery lie within Dark Land. Specifically in a film noir-styled office inside a closet! Join the Funny Boys on their quest for justice, technological mishaps, culinary arts, and the truth of Color Splash being a good game. Don't expect this to ever get serious.





	1. Set Sail For Mystery!

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! This is a joint fanfiction by Dixie and Ouen! Don't expect this to get serious, like, EVER. It was just a little thing we decided to write for fun and people on fanfic.net enjoyed it, so now we're bringing it to AO3! Enjoy!

_It was another day in the bleak office of Luddicus Jones: Private Eye. That’s me. I had just finished preparing myself a medium-dark roast of coffee, the perfect accompaniment to any rainy day, in my opinion. I stared out of the window of my office, contemplating on my current state of mind, the usual activity for these kinds of days. I could smell a waft of smoke seeping into the window from outside, probably due to the giant moat of lava around the castle. Moments  like th--_

“‘Scuse me, Ludwig. I gotta grab my jacket.” Larry shuffled next to Ludwig in the middle of his monologue, grabbing his windbreaker. Ludwig just stared at his brother until he left the walk-in closet he had his “detective office” in.

_Er--Moments like these I tend to make the most of. The silence allows me to really give my thoughts a good churning. Those thoughts are where the real questions come in. Who really is Luddicus Jones? I pondered this for a while before taking a seat in my office chair. Then, I suddenly heard footsteps coming down the hall. Hm...five inch heels, I believe. It wasn’t long before I found out my prediction was very wrong…_

_A pair of bright ruby platforms, a piercing gaze behind a pair of black spectacles jabbing into me like daggers, a-- oh, for koop’s sake, It’s Iggy._

“Hey Luds! Are you monologuing again?” He said, launching one of his heels directly into the window behind his brother. ”Why must you interrupt me at my moment of solace?!” Ludwig sharply asked.. “...And thank you so. Very. Much. For breaking my window!”

“No problem! BAHAHA!” Iggy sat down and propped up his legs, launching another heel upwards, up onto the desk. “Nice noir intro, by the way! I could hear the drama from down the hall!” Ludwig just raised an eyebrow at his brother, taking another sip of his java. “Thank you, I suppose. Now, why are you here, Ignatius?” he asked. A bit of wind blew into the closet where the broken window was.

“Oh yeah! I came in here to get one of those detective hats and trenchcoats.” Iggy excitedly replied. “I was in a crime-solving mood. And it looks like you were too!” He slowly started reaching for the coffee cup with his little pizza hands. Ludwig swatted Iggy’s hand away from the coffee cup. “Hey, get your own! Besides, what crimes could you possibly hope to solve, anyway?” A piece of paper flew in through the window, hitting Ludwig in the face. “Gyah!” He grabbed the paper and scanned over it.

_“I could use someone’s help! I lost something important to me. It may not look very important to you, but believe me, IT’S IMPORTANT. If you find this item, please bring it to Bowser’s Castle in Dark Land.”_

Underneath the note was a picture of a mug with the phrase “World’s Greatest Dad” on it. “This looks like it flew in from the Toad Town Bulletin Board.” Ludwig thought out loud. “Lemme see it!” Iggy scuttled beneath the desk and yoinked the flyer from his brother’s hands. “Ooh! That’s the mug that Junior got for ‘em last year! How’d it get lost?” “Beats me. But one thing’s for sure, that mug means the world to father. He would drink his coffee out of that mug every morning, so it’s only natural we try to find it. What do you say, Iggy? Are you down to solve a mystery?” Ludwig asked. Iggy adjusted the deerstalker cap he had found under the desk on his hair and immediately stood up on top of the desk. “I was born ready! LET’S DO IT! BAHAHAHAHAAAH!”

The best place to check, the boys thought, would be the kitchen and dining room. As expected, it was filled to the brim with other castle residents searching top to bottom for the missing mug. And soup. There was an abundance of soup being made. The boys then decided to check somewhere else considering they’d’ve probably found the cup in here by now with so many of them searching in there. They did have some of that soup first, though.

“Mmm! That chef knows how to make a delightful bisque!”

“Bisque? I thought it was soup!”

“It’s the same thing!”

“Then call it soup!”

“Ugh…”

And so the boys continued their search for the mug that went AWOL. The second place they planned on searching was the throne room. The mug was bound to be in there, right? They searched high and low for the mug. They checked under the throne and found, not the mug, but Larry, playing with his Switch. “Hey! Do you mind?! This is _my_ secret spot! Scram!” The boys tried to search everywhere for it. They checked the balconies, the kart repair room, the chandeliers, the bottom of the lava pits somehow, EVERYWHERE.

“Blast it! We’re running out of leads! And places to look! This mug couldn’t have gotten far, right? So why can’t we find it?!” Ludwig opened the door to his “office” and took a seat at his desk. “We searched high and low, and even went so far as to dive in PURE LAVA for that darned thing, so I don’t understand.” Iggy sat down on the desk and inspected the papers on it. He then inspected the mug. It looked very familiar…

“Luddy.”

“Not now! I’m thinking critically.”

“But Luds! You should REALLY hear this.”

“Ignatius, please! I’m busy being angry about unfortunate circumstances!”

Ludwig got up, staring out of the broken window in frustration. Iggy grabbed the mug and put it in front of Ludwig’s face. “Hey! Get that thing--huh?!” Ludwig grabbed the mug from his brother’s hands. It was the same mug pictured on the note. “The mug! You found it! Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” “I TRIED TO!” Iggy quickly picked his heels off the floor and slipped them on. “Ahh well. Mystery solved! NOW HURRY! WE GOTTA GET THIS TO DAD!” He ran towards the door and immediately tripped on nothing, crashing onto the carpeted floor. Ludwig ran out the door, promptly tripping over the fallen Iggy. The mug flew in the air. “Gyah! It’s gonna break!” Ludwig announced. Luckily for the boys, the mug was made of plastic. Bowser just so happened to be walking down the hallway, when suddenly, his foot hit something.

“Huh? What’s that?”

He picked up the mug. “My cup! I found my cup!” Bowser looked down the hall to see the two koopa brothers still on the floor. They both gave their father a thumbs up, signifying they had solved the mystery.

 

**\- - CASE 1: COMPLETE - -**


	2. A Blast From The Past in a Kooky Castle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Morton and Larry stumble upon a very familiar castle and decided to investigate it. Well...it was actually Larry's idea. They meet with a familiar figure and decide to tell Ludwig and Iggy about it.

Deep within the woods surrounding Dark Land, which is weird cause it’s constantly on fire, there lie the ancient relics of the royal family. Broken mechs and vine-covered ships were scattered amongst the vast junkyard of a forest. But one structure remained almost untouched by time. What appeared to be a towering castle, surrounded by dead flowers and flickering light fixtures. “Hmm. This sucks. Let’s head back!” Larry nonchalantly turned around from the massive building.

He was immediately picked up by the collar of his windbreaker. “OH NO. LARRY NOT GOING ANYWHERE. YOU TELL MORTON, “HEY, GO INSIDE BIG SPOOKY FOREST CASTLE TOGETHER” AND NOW WE HERE! WE’RE GOING IN THE CASTLE.” “Yeah, well I changed my mind!” Larry tried his best to scuttle out of Morton’s claws, but Morton, being the God of Chaos, was too powerful. “WE GO IN RIGHT NOW! AND FASTLY!” Morton then used Larry’s head as a battering ram for the gate surrounding the building and they both crossed the bridge leading up to the foreboding wooden front door. Larry sighed. “Uagh. Well, worse things have happened to us compared to going in a old cruddy hotel. What’s the worst that could happen?” Lightning struck outside, with perfect timing. “Okay, I deserve whatever’s gonna happen next for that.”

The inside of the hotel was, well, dated. There was Victorian era-styled furniture, stain glass windows, and a calendar from 1994 was still up near the register. A few of the lights were still functioning and the candles and torches that lined the walls were all lit. “Ugh… Who even had the money to fund a dump like this?” Larry snarked. The floors creaked as they walked through the vacant castle. “BEAT MORTON. BET THEY LIKE HALLOWEEN TOO MUCH.” Morton added, trying to look out of a murky window. “LARRY. MORT MAYBE WANT TO GO. NOW.” There was dead silence following Morton’s remark. “LARRY…?”

Morton turned around to find no trace of his brother. “LARRY LOST? WHERE HE GO…?” Suddenly, Morton heard a clanking sound. It got closer and closer to the seemingly alone koopa. “BOO!” Larry shouted, popping out of a suit of armor that stood in the hallway. “AH!” Morton reacted by slamming his hammer into the armor. “BAHAHA! That hurt!” Larry put on the helmet and stuffed the un-slammed pieces of armor into a bag. “Dude. We -gotta- keep these. They’re probably worth millions by now!” “LARRY. NO DO THAT AGAIN.” Morton said as he slapped the eye-shield on Larry’s new helmet down. “WH-- Hey!!”

They both shared a laugh, putting the least damaged parts of the suit together. But as their giggle-fit ended, an unknown cackle echoed through the halls.

“LARRY.”

“What?”

“YOU MAKE THAT SOUND?”

“How the heck would -I- make that sound? I’m right here!”

“MAGIC!”

“N-- NO! It’s not me, you goofus! It’s still going on right now!!”

“WELL IF IT NOT YOU, AND NOT MORTON… THEN…”

The laughter grew in volume as the boys turned to find the source of it from the top of the stairs behind them. The figure stood in front of a massive window, thunder cracked outside with perfect timing once again. The silhouette of the unknown newcomer seemed very familiar, but something was off…

“GHOST. GHOST!” Morton got up and stood in front of Larry, mallet out and burning. “CRUSH HOTEL GHOST!” Lightning stuck, revealing the identity of the shrieking cobalt mystery looking down on them from the stairs. “That’s no ghost!” Larry shouted. “That’s our SIGNAL TO LEAVE!” Larry, using probably all of the energy in his body, grabbed his brother’s wrist and darted down the hall and straight to the door. “Oh, this is the perfect spot for my new base! King Dad will be so proud that I’ve found a new home between dimensions for my latest secret lab!” The figure cackled once again, basking in the genius of his plan.

 . . .

  _I got sandwich crumbs all over me. It’s me! Ignatius Jones: Private Eye! Last week, my brother Ludwig and I started a detective agency in our secret Noir Closet Room! Just yesterday we found someone’s missing moped! It was in a lava pit! So cool! Solving crimes is tough, but I’m gonna do my best!☆ BAHAHA! Today’s kinda slow however… No crimes in sight! I mean these crumbs might count b--_

“And -you- said -I- monologue too loud!” Ludwig dropped his fork and knife on top of his BLT. “How come you’re doing it in the kitchen anyways?!” Iggy just stared at his brother for a solid 15 seconds before continuing.

_Being a detective’s great! You get to wear a neat hat and coat and solve problems! Maybe someday we’ll get a big case on our hands! With ghosts! Or tax fraud! Maybe both! AHAHAHA!☆_

“How are you making that sound with your mouth.”

“ROOM SERVICE!” The kitchen door swung open. It was Larry and Morton.

“Lorem Ipsum or Whatevertheheck! Get outta my brother, ghost!” Larry hollered as he began to pelt salt at Ludwig. “SPOOKY SPIRITS BEGONE.” Morton dumped the whole bag on him. “I beg your pardon?!” Ludwig shouted, before he was covered in a pile of salt. “WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!” The blue koopa jumped out of the salt pile, dusting the salt off of his coat and out of his hair. “Good work, Morton!” Larry gave his brother a high-five. “Can one of you explain what in blazes is going on, or so help me!” Ludwig crossed his arms, giving his brothers a very piercing look.

“Looks like an exorcism!” Iggy commented. “Can I join?” “The more the merrier!” Larry replied. “Ooh! Iggy! Get the boiled gatorade! Mort! Hold ‘em down!” The two of them slightly panicked as they scrambled over to the stove and the salt covered Ludwig. “I saw this on TV.” Larry said, pulling out an ancient looking tome. “2 garlic cloves… Half a cup of parm-- Ahh, beans! This ain’t a spell book! This is a fettuccini alfredo recipe!” He chucked the book over to the stove. “ACK!” Iggy pulled the book away from the fire. “Hey, does this mean I can just make this instead of gatorade? I could go for some pasta right now.”

Iggy read through the ingredients for the sumptuous pasta dish and nodded. He proceeded to gather the ingredients for his fettuccine alfredo. He spent a few minutes pondering if he should make his own pasta or not, but it was almost midnight and his appetite for noodles reached its peak. He was gonna have it now or never. He looked over the cookbook carefully, gathering all his cooking inspiration. Iggy grabbed an apron and chef hat, putting them on. It was as if a master chef was ready to go to work.

Iggy grabbed himself a knife, doing a cool trick with it and a small cutting board. He chopped up the garlic finely, making sure to use swift and quick motions. He tossed the garlic into the saucepan. The aroma of the garlic as it sizzled in the oil filled the kitchen almost instantly. He dumped a whole box of noodles into the pot to boil and started to go to work on the sauce. With the garlic cooked, he threw in some butter and cream, combining the ingredients together, forming an alfredo sauce. Salt and pepper to taste were added to the saucepan. Lastly, he carefully added in the parmesan cheese, incorporating it into the sauce. After a few minutes of adjusting the flavor and having too many taste tests by “accident”, he combined the pasta into it. He proceeded to make a miniature plate of his culinary creation on a 2 inch dish, complete with mini garnishes and utensils. “Great tasting pasta!” Iggy exclaimed.

Meanwhile Morton and Ludwig were having the most intense slap “fight” ever. “UHH, WHAT NOW? HOW WE FIND OUT IF LUDWIG STILL HAVE GHOST?” “STOP TRYING TO EXORCISE ME, YOU IDIOTS!” Ludwig rolled over, falling off of the table. He stood up, dusting himself off once more. “Don’t touch me! Don’t even look at me! First off, that is NOT how you perform an exorcism! Secondly, DO I LOOK LIKE I EVEN NEED ONE?!” Ludwig tapped his foot, waiting for a response from anyone.

“But… We saw you at this really run down castle we found earlier! It’s true!” Larry stated. “How could I have been there when I was in here making my darned BLT? Iggy, tell them!” Ludwig pointed over to Iggy. “Oh yeah! He was making his sandwich! He was all ‘This BLT is gonna be the greeeeatest in the world! Blah blah, I’m Ludwig!’” Iggy said with a mouth full of his own sandwich. “SO, LUDWIG NOT HAVE GHOST?” Morton asked. “Yikes. Sorry about that, Luddy.” Larry added.

 “As you should be!” A thought came to Ludwig. Haunted castle with a mysterious figure? Sounds like the start of a mystery! “Larry! Morton! Tell me… Where is this castle in question? I’d like to do some snooping with Iggy here.” Iggy slammed his sandwich down. “BAHAH! OH YEAH, MYSTERY TIME! WE GOTTA SLAP SOME GHOSTS!”

 The four of them arrived at the gate of the castle, which is the least safest thing to do at almost midnight. The gate was still open from the ramming, but the front door was closed once again. “This thing looks straight out of a campy horror film. Or some kinda Halloween stock art!” Iggy yelled in excitement. “But I can’t help but feel we’ve seen this place before… Got any idea what it is, Lud?” Ludwig examined the castle walls and windows, trying to ring any bells in his memory. “Hm, can’t say anything comes to mind right away…”

The lads walked through the dark hotel entrance and made it to the main foyer. “We saw that… thing… around here!” Larry pointed towards the main stairs. “Well, we were in the hall and it was a different staircase but WHATEVER IT WAS CAME FROM UPSTAIRS!” “Ooh! We could try to lure it down here!” Iggy turned towards Morton.

“Mort, do you still got that boombox on ya’?”

“MORTON ALWAYS HAVE BOOMBOX.”

“Oh cool! Ca-- Always?”

“IT LOOK COOL!”

“...Valid. Yeah! Can you hold it up for one sec?”

Iggy opened the cassette player and stuck something in. “What exactly are you doing?” Ludwig asked.

“Why, it’s my infamous Halloween mixtape of course! HIT IT, MORT!”

“Oh no.”

“AH!” Morton slapped the play button on the box and a loud synth-y beat began blaring.

Iggy’s “Infamous Halloween Mixtape” is a collection of midis in the style of old novelty halloween songs that he had thrown together in high-school, complete with original, yet nonsensical, lyrics he wrote by himself. Every first of October he blasts it over the castle intercom, broadcasting his singing throughout the whole building. His determination to play it every year changed from pure excitement, to ironically keeping it up and forcing others to hear it, to unironic enjoyment of the silly tracks. The first track, the shortest and most dreadful song out of all of them, started and Iggy, in a loud shrieking voice, started to sing.

  **♫ HALLOWEEN IS FINALLY HERE**  
**LET’S ALL SLAP TO THE HOLIDAY CHEER** ****  
**THE TIME OF THE YEAR TO ACT LIKE FOOLS** **  
** **TO DRINK THE CIDER, AND DRESS LIKE GHOULS ♫**

“Wow! I hate it!” Larry yelled over the music. “PLEASE, Ignatius, turn it OFF! You’re going to scare the ghosts AWAY from here at this point!” Ludwig hollered, plugging his ears.

  **♫ JUST GRAB A CAPE, NO TIME TO SPARE**  
**I GOT SOME OF THIS CHOCOLATE IN MY HAIR** ****  
**AND IF THE NIGHT’S OVERWHELMINGLY PUNGUS** **  
** **THEN LET’S CHUNGUS, BUNGUS, AND ABSOLUTE GUNGUS ♫**

The next minute of the song was Iggy screaming. After it ended, he turned off the boombox.

“Iggy… What WAS that?” Ludwig asked, slightly concerned. “Raw talent! BAHAHA!” Iggy was just about proud of himself after that little performance of his. Sadly, raw talent can’t bring out the souls of the dead, for there was still no sign of the mystery guest. “Good job, Igg Boy! You scared the ghost off with your AWFUL SONG!” Larry shouted. The only thing left to do was continue their search, which they proceeded to do.  
  
Deep within the hallway, things got dimmer and things were getting gradually harder to see. Often times, the boys would collide with one another, not being able to see where they were going. “Ouch! Who bumped into me?!” “Hey, watch it!” “SORRY! MORT BAD!” “Dang it! My foot!” It wasn’t long before Ludwig got fed up with all the jostling in the dark. “Stop! Everyone! Will someone PLEASE take out a dang flashlight?” Iggy pulled out a flashlight from his trenchcoat pocket and turned it on. Morton took out The Whole Hot Mallet. “NOW THERE MORE LIGHT!”

“Alright. With two light sources at our disposal, we will split up in two groups.” Ludwig ordered. “Ignatius and I will search the top floor of the castle. You and Larry can check the 3rd. Any questions?” Larry raised his hand. “I wanna leave.” “Any questions at all?” “WHERE’S BATHROOM?”

Iggy and Ludwig took the somehow functioning elevator up to the top floor. They figured if the ghost was gonna be anywhere in a mystery type situation like this, it’d be in the manager’s office or something. The office was… clean! All of the furniture, cabinets, light fixtures, the organ in the back of the room, all clean! A dark mahogany desk accented the middle of the room, with some kind of scented candle on it. Behind the desk was a large maroon velvet lined throne of a chair. Suddenly all of Ludwig’s past design choices came flooding back to him.

“Iggy. Remember when I said this place didn’t ring a bell earlier. Well, that’s definitely changed right about now. I knew this all looked familiar, I just couldn’t place my finger on it at the moment.” Ludwig felt the velvet-lined throne, recalling everything about the room. “Yes…This is my old hotel office. It almost feels like just yesterday I was sitting in here overjoyed at how successful I had become. If were in here, then…” Ludwig turned to Iggy. “This isn’t just a castle at all! It’s the Ludwig Castle Hotel!” Iggy was busy making shadow puppets on the wall with the flashlight. “The what?” Iggy replied. “I never thought we’d stumble upon one of my old establishments. Not to mention, I can’t believe I forgot how close it was to home!”

“No wonder I didn’t recognize it!” Iggy said, making his hand shadow match up with the words he was saying. “I was stuck at home! I probably blocked it out of my memory cause I wanted a dang hotel too. But hey! If you remember this room, do you remember any fun secrets hiding in here?” In the corner was a bust of Ludwig’s head. Ludwig lifted the head, pushing a button. Suddenly, there was a loud sound coming from one of the bookcases. It was a secret door! “Gwehe! This is the way to my old secret lab! Follow me.”  
  
They went down the stairs. The different whirring and beeping sounds of the machines that still had power coursing through them got louder and louder as they approached the secret lab. They were about halfway there, when suddenly, Iggy’s flashlight ran out of batteries.

“Darn it! No more battery juice! I can’t see a ding-dong thing!” Iggy whacked the flashlight around a few times, hoping it’d make the juice be loose, but to no avail. “Did ya’ bring a light? Or any spare batteries?” A pair of AA batteries were placed in his hands. “Sweet! Thanks, bro!” Iggy reached over to pat his brother. “Golly, Luds! You’re super pointy today!” “I’m what?” Ludwig said at the bottom of the stairs. Iggy shined the light near whoever he was currently petting. Instead of his dear brother, he was greeted by… well, something that sure looked similar to him. “Hmm. Hey, Ludwig. Check this out.” “What is it now, Igna-- OH GOD WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?!”

Right next to Iggy was a very kooky figure. He looked to be about Ludwig’s height; a koopa of the same stature as him, in fact. The hair was about the same shade of blue as Ludwig’s, albeit less tame. His skin and shell were different colors, as well. However, the overbite was similar to Ludwig’s. He was straight up a doppelganger of Ludwig Von Koopa!

Despite his brother’s horrified reaction, Iggy was still patting this dude. “Hey! What’s your name, ya’ goober?” As he said this he started to pat faster. “Hey! Watch the merchandise!” the figure replied. “My name is Kooky Von Koopa!”

Iggy stopped patting and examined Kooky for a bit, maintaining eye contact for a solid 15 seconds. Yep. He sure was real. And he sure was [REDACTED]. “Nice! I’m Iggy! Ignatius Jones: Private Eye! Wanna be a detective with us? We’re looking for a ghost!” Just as Iggy said this, his two other brothers were descending the stairs. “Hey Ludman, we didn’t find the stinkin’ ghost so I think Iggy’s mixtape really did sc-- HOLY HECK THAT’S THE GHOST!” Larry said, recoiling and promptly falling on his behind. “Ghost! Where?” Kooky looked behind him and all around frantically.

Ludwig was so astounded yet really baffled at finding out he had a “twin”. “Er… Mr. Kooky. Why are...you me? I’M me!” Ludwig immediately shouted. “But YOU’RE the one who looks like ME here!” Kooky replied. The two began to bicker. But soon the bickering grew into Oh God They’re Gonna Zap Eachother With Those Wands. Suddenly, Iggy remembered something.

“WAAAAAIT!” The blue blockheads stopped mid-cast. Iggy then pulled out an oversized piece of tupperware. “My pasta.” He said softly.

The four of them sat awkwardly across each other in the hotel dining quarters. Iggy burst through the kitchen doors with one of those food carts. “Well, it took me forever to find soap for these plates n’ stuff and hooking up the microwave was a nightmare but here we are!” He slammed down the pasta dishes on the table. “Do any of you know if soap expires? Oh well. Dig in!”

“I can’t believe we’re having dinner at ONE IN THE MORNING.” Said Larry, with a mouthful of the alfredo. “ME NO CARE, PASTA GOOD!” Morton yelled as he was going to town on the pasta. Ludwig and Kooky stared at each other, slightly confused at whatever the dink was even going on. Ludwig looked at the pasta plate and took a single bite. “I believe we’ve gotten off on the wrong foot, Kooky. So, where do you come from?” Kooky, also going to town on the pasta, spoke up.

“I’m from Dark Land!”

“Really? How come I haven’t seen you around?”

“I came through a big portal smack in the middle of this place! King Dad sent me to find a nice lab to take over, and I thought “Why not interdimensionally?””

“That’s...brilliant, actually. A different Dark Land in a different dimension. Truly fascinating.”

“A portal, huh? Spooky!” Larry remarked. “I must ask, however.” Ludwig paused for a minute. “If you’re supposed to be a direct doppelganger of me, then, do my other siblings...have doppelgangers as well? What I mean to say is...do you have siblings of your own?” Kooky perked up at the question.

“Oh boy, do I! There’s Bully, Kootie Pie, Hip and Hop, Cheatsy, and Big Mouth!” He took a look around at the koopas.

“You resemble Big Mouth, in fact!” Kooky pointed to Morton. “MORTON TWIN NAME BIG MOUTH? AH!” Morton replied. Kooky pointed to Larry next. “...And you resemble Cheatsy!” Larry was already asleep, face-first in the plate of pasta. Finally, Kooky pointed to Iggy. “...And you resemble Hop! Do you have a sibling that looks just like you by any chance?” Iggy shook his head. “Twins don’t run in the family! At least, I don’t think so!”

Kooky slammed the fork down on the emptied plate, leaning back in his seat. “Hoo boy, am I stuffed!” he blurted. Iggy pumped his fist in the air. “I DID IT! I MADE EDIBLE PASTA! BAHAHAHA!” “Gwehe. I have to say, it was rather good!” Ludwig added. “Well, it’s very late, and father must be at home worried sick about us.” “I doubt it.” chimed in Iggy. Before they decided to take their leave, Ludwig wandered off into the underground lab. He took in all of his machinery and thought to himself.

“Well, old lab. I never thought I’d say this, but I’m going to miss you. We had a lot of fun in here long, long ago…”

Ludwig turned around to find Kooky had followed him into the lab, however, he was unfazed. “Take good care of this place, alright?” Kooky gave a thumbs up “You got it!” he replied.

Morton, with the sleeping Larry slumped over his shoulder, was already at the door, waiting for the private eyes. “MORT GOT LARRY! READY TO GO!” “Hold on! I gotta get my nice tupperware back! I spent good money on it!” Iggy said, as he grabbed his tupperware. Ludwig was the last one at the door. “Alright, team. Let’s get a move on before Iggy brings out another container of pasta…” Ludwig announced. The siblings waved goodbye at their new interdimensional friend and went their separate ways into the night.

The next morning was nothing unusual. The salt was cleaned from the kitchen floor, Larry was chasing a pigeon that had flown in with his horse mask on, and their dad had already grown accustomed to the boys’ late night antics. But as Roy Koopa was about to find out, something new had already arrived. “Ey. Get up.” “H- Who? What?” “Y’ got games on ya’ phone?”

 

**\- - CASE 2: COMPLETE - -**


	3. There Ter-Might Be A Problem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The family of detectives steadily grows and it seems their work is never done as Lemmy has to deal with a little infestation problem.

_OFFICE CHAIR NICE. AH! HELLO! ME MORTON! ME AND LARRY BECOME DETECTIVE YESTERDAY. NOW MORTON GET TO WEAR HAT AND EXPENSIVE COAT. IGGY GIVE MORTON CODENAME. MORTIMER JONES: PRIVATE EYE. FANCY! NOT GOTTA USE NAME ALL THE TIME THOUGH. WHY WASTE TIME SAY LOT WORD WHEN FEW WORD DO TRICK? GUHAHAH! DETECTIVE ROOM INSIDE CLOSET. GOT THINGS LIKE PRETTY DESK AND OLD PHONE! HOW COME EVERYTHING IN ROOM BLACK AND WHITE. AND HOW COME WINDOW BROKEN!? WHO BREAK WINDOW?!_

"Sorry!" Iggy chimed in. "Still gotta fix that…" "Indeed you do." Ludwig growled, filing his nails in the corner of the room. "It's been almost three weeks and we still haven't replaced it!" "Aww, quit yer whining, Luds! Ya gotta relax sometimes, ya uptight dingus!" Iggy replied, reaching into his shell. He pulled out an entirely new window and a roll of duct tape. "Oh please! I'm not uptight!" Iggy kicked out the broken window with his foot, stiletto on, putting the new window in place and holding it together with duct tape, albeit very sloppily.

"That's not how carpentry works, you blockhead!" Ludwig snapped. He immediately got up, taking over whatever Iggy was doing. "And thank you for proving my point! BAHAHA!" Morton slapped his fists on the desk. "AH! FIX WINDOW!" He got out of the chair, assisting his brother with the new unbroken window. While they assembled the venetian blinds, there was a knock at the office door. It was Roy! And a new boy. "Ey other me. Are ya gonna let me play games on ya phone, or not?" Bully asked, holding out his hand. Roy just stared back at his doppelganger.

"Which one of you did this." Roy said, pointing to his smaller counterpart. "Ey!" Bully pointed back. "You keep those stinkin' sausages o' yours to ya'self!" "Oh that?" Ludwig turned to look at them. "It's nothing really. Versions of us from another dimension traveled here and made a base in my old hotel." "Oh." Roy looked down at his shorter self. "That makes sense. ...YEA-YUH!"

"What -is- something is how one of them got IN!" Suddenly, a voice could be heard hollering outside, followed by the sounds of a clanking machine. "YES! My Koopa Concrete Puller works! WAHUHUWAHAH!" Ludwig rolled his eyes, making his way towards the window under construction. "I told you to KEEP YOUR INVENTIONS AT LEAST 200 FEET AWAY FROM THE CASTLE!" he yelled to Kooky. Ludwig calmly turned back to Iggy and Morton. "Excuse me for one moment. I'm going to launch that rat into the stratosphere." He slowly made his way out, but his slow strut turned to faster stomping as he left the closet.

"Dang it! I'm outta screws." Iggy hopped off the stepladder he was on. "Mort! Keep an eye on that window while I get them, okay?" Morton give him a reassuring thumbs-up.

As Iggy scampered out of the room, Morton looked to Roy and at his boy.

_HMM… MORTON IN CHARGE OF OFFICE NOW! THE POWER. THE HISTORY…_

As Morton contemplated The Power, a banging sound arose from the air vent in the room. After a few budges, out popped… what looked to be a smaller Morton.

"Grrrrrrreetings and salutations! It is I! The infamous, indomitable, illusive, inconceivable idol! The one! The only! BBBBBig Mouth Koopa! And… Hey! This room's got no colors! Washed out! It's monochromatic! Just like in the old detective films! The heart of mystery lies here! Oh! And it looks like my dear bbbbbig brother Bully lies here as well! Ohhh, the excitement! The drama! The- WHOA!"

Big Mouth was being stared down by the suddenly startled Morton. That's a lotta S words. I think that's gonna happen a lot.

". . ."

". . ."

"AH!"

"WAUGH! Who the heck is this guy!? And why does he share the features of yours truly?!"

"...AH!"

"WAUGH!"

"Eyyy." Bully added.

Morton then recalled something. This must be the "twin" Kooky told them about! He then pulled out a small business card from his coat. "Hmm?" Big Mouth looked the card over.

**MORTIMER JONES: PRIVATE EYE**

**ME SOLVE CRIME!**

_**PHONE/FAX: (XXX) 7XX-XXXX** _

_**NOIR OFFICE, DARK LAND P.O BOX 9XXXX** _

_**(IT WALK-IN CLOSET.)** _

"WOW! A rrrreal detective! With a reeeeal business card! I like it! As you might have heard, I'm Big Mouth! Put 'er there, pal!" Big Mouth stuck his hand out for a handshake. And a handshake he received! "ME MORTON! ME CEO OF CONSTRUCTION COMPANY. BUILD BIG HOTEL ON VOLCANO!" "Wow! I didn't think you'd actually speak like that! I dig it!"

The talkative turtle then made his way to the top of the desk. See? More repeating letters! And more tons.

"If you look like me, then you must be the interdimensional counterpart I heard about! However, there are many differences between us! You see, we, Bully and I, come from the faaaaar off year of 1990!" Morton looked over to the desk calendar labeled "APRIL 2018". "IT GONNA BE MAY…" Morton whispered loudly. "Ey! Breaking news, pipsqueak!" Bully hollered 2 feet away from them, pointing at Roy's phone. "They're from the dang future too."

Before Big Mouth could make some kind of excuse on how he "already knew that", someone cried out.

"Heeeeelp!"

Lemmy burst through the closet door, his top hat on fire. "AH! NO FIRE IN OFFICE!" Morton ran over and scooped Lemmy up, placing him gently outside in the hallway. "LEMMY! WHAT HAPPEN? AND WHY HAT ON FIRE?" "My hat was on fire? I didn't even notice!" Lemmy quickly slapped the hat off, putting the flames out with his foot. "We got bigger problems! My circus tent's got bugs in it!"

Roy, Bully, and Big Mouth stepped out from the room. "How'd you get bugs? Those things go POOF just looking in the direction of this place." Roy said. "That's also the problem! I got no idea! Come on!" Lemmy dragged his two brothers outside. The two not-brothers quickly followed behind.

"Hey! I got the screws!" Iggy cheerfully screamed, re-entering the office. He then noticed the air vent had popped open. "Aww, COME ON!"

From the outside, Lemmy's tent looked perfectly normal. His Dark Land location was the largest and most extravagant version yet. There was even carnival games and food booths outside it. The inside, however, was another story.

The benches were falling apart, the stage was covered in termites, and the Yoshis were cowering in a corner because one of the bugs got a hold of a CowGuy's whip. Roy bent down next to a wooden beam that was in shambles. "There's been a murder here." He said, trying his hardest to keep a straight face.

"Oh, thank goodness you're here!" One of the Shy Guys ran up to the four. "Those termites have covered half of the tent!" "THAT LOT OF BUGS!" Morton shouted. He reached inside of his shell, pulling out a single can of bug spray. "MORTON FIX THIS!" Suddenly, a swarm of termites formed together a hand, swatting the can out of Morton's hands. "AH! HEY! MORT PAY $2.99 FOR SPRAY!"

The hand grew in size, attempting to swat at Morton next. With quick action, Morton decided it was Hot Mallet Time. He swung his mallet with all his might to ward off the mountain of disgusting, wretched, and rude bugs. "This is a massive mountain of malicious insects. I've never seen such a spectacle for sore eyes! These terrrrrrrible termites are full of terror! And another thing-" Before Big Mouth could continue his mouthful of alliterations, Bully stepped in, shutting him up. "Shaddap! Now, we gotta think quick. How are we gonna get ridda these guys?" Sadly, Roy had an idea.

"YEAH-YUH!" Roy shouted. He blasted all of the bugs with his wand. "WHAT THAT DO?" Questioned Morton, who was still swinging his hammer around. "I made the bugs able to speak." ". . . HMM. ASK BUGS QUESTION!" "Yeah, I got one. Do ya bugs got phones with games on 'em? Can you recommend me some good apps?" Bully asked.

"Hey!" Lemmy shouted. "How did you all get in my tent?"

One of the bugs started talking, however, it's voice was too itty bitty to even be heard properly. "WHAT BUG SAY?" asked Morton. Big Mouth grabbed a microphone from one of the stands, placing it near the tiny termite. Finally, everyone could understand it. "Is this thing on?" it said. "Yeah!" Lemmy said excitedly.

"Ah! Splendid!" said the little bug. "We were on our way to the God of Chaos Museum and made a quick stop in this lovely tent! However, I think my comrades may have gotten a bit too excited… A termite's appetite is quite insatiable. My deepest apologies, young man..."

"Well, the damage is already done. But I'm glad it wasn't from anything spooky. No hard feelings!" Lemmy said. "Oh yeah! How'd you guys even make it into Dark Land?" "We drove. Doesn't everybody drive?" Lemmy nodded understandably. "That explains the convertible outside."

"How come your buddies are threatening those horses with a whip?" Roy questioned. "I… I think they're scared of whatever those things are..." the bug replied nervously. Roy glanced back at the Yoshis, and then back to the bug. "Yeah, I get ya'. Those things give me the creeps."

It was Morton's turn to ask the termites a question. "WHO THE GOD OF CHAOS?" The termites stopped in unison. The crowd of bugs suddenly came to a hush. The termite at the microphone chuckled. "You mean the God of Chaos? You want to know about this powerful deity from aeons ago, eh? Gather around and I shall unfold the history of the God of Chaos…" All the koopas and termites gathered around the termite at the microphone, eager to get an earful of the ancient history.

"The God of Chaos is a powerful being us termites look up to…" The termite went on for what seemed a couple of hours about this powerful ancient being. The one mostly engrossed in the speil was Morton. This God sounded like a powerful being and Morton wanted nothing more than to gain The Power. Or at least just a stronger mallet. "...And that is when the Museum was put in place. We usually take our yearly pilgrimage there this time of year!"

"Huh." Lemmy put his hand to his chin. "I didn't expect that much information from something I've never heard about in my life." "Me neither." Roy added.

And so, the five boys said their goodbyes to the termites as they drove away in their convertible. "Heh. Mystery solved." Roy said, hands on his hips in triumph. "WE DO IT!" Morton emerged from the tent carrying Big Mouth like a football. "WE SOLVE CRIME! AND ME LEARN ABOUT THE GOD OF CHAOS!" "Yeah," Lemmy spoke up. "But my circus is still super messed up!" "...ME SOLVE CONSTRUCTION!"

Later that night, Morton remembered something very important.

"AH!"

"Ahhhhh!"

"WENDY."

"What!?"

"YOU KNOW ABOUT AMULETS? ME WANNA BE GOD OF CHAOS!"

"... You what?!"

**\- - CASE 3: COMPLETE - -**


	4. The Case of T-Pose Tuesday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The private eyes find themselves in a makeshift funhouse full of "missing textures", messed up geometry, and a t-posing Bowser... all because two certain little twins wanted to play video games. The chase is on!

_Heya! It's me, Lemmy! Today, Iggy and I are stuck inside while everyone goes on a cool stealth mission thing at the Mushroom Kingdom. But we're not alone! We're hanging out with our dimensional doubles, Hip and Hop! They're pretty cool! One of them even has Iggy's old haircut! That's strange, though. They were in here a minute ago. Maybe they went to go get some extra snacks!_

"Popcorn's done!" Iggy shouted, plopping down on the couch. "Having fun monologuing?" "You bet!" Lemmy dumped a pile of different games onto the floor. There was a big variety of premium games to choose from, however, Iggy's eyes set on a very specific game from a very specific person named "Bethany Esda". "Hey Lemmford, let's play this one!" He held up the "Fallout 4" game case. "That one? Why? It's super buggy and stuff!" "That's EXACTLY WHY I wanna play it! BAHAHA!" Lemmy shrugged, handing his brother the VR headset and its controllers.

"Yeah yeah yeah!" Iggy was overly elated to play the game. He put on the headset and striked a pose. Lemmy laughed. "'Kay, I'll start the game!" Lemmy announced, turning on the game console.

After two hours of character customization, with a few arguments of how the character should even look sprinkled in between, they were FINALLY ready to jump into the game. "Lemmy, look! It's my son! BAHAHA!" The television showed a fictional baby. "SHAWN! SHAWWWWWN!" Iggy yelled. The two of them chanted "Shawn" for the next few minutes. The boys went through the introduction for a bit, only to immediately get lost. They were really good at playing something as linear as this wrong. A few hours passed and they finally made it outside of the vault and into the open world.

"Iggy, watch this." Lemmy pulled out his wand, blasting the console. "Console! I command you to do something funny!" Lemmy yelled. The television suddenly showed the sky raining thousands of coffee containers. "Pretty cool, huh?"

"BAHAHAHA! Now that makes this game a lot more enjoyable!"

For a while, the boys spent time taking turns zapping the console, causing all kinds of in game havoc. From hundreds of animals being spawned to increasing amounts of no-clipping, to lots and lots of tri-juicing, whatever that even is. "BAHAHA! Lemmy! Ya gotta see this through the headset!" He handed his brother the VR headset, to which Lemmy put it on. "Whoa! Cool!" Suddenly, footsteps could be heard coming down the hall to the entertainment room where our boys were. It was the two tiny twins who had toddled their way into the room.

"Cool headset!" Hop exclaimed. "Can we try?" Hip asked, tugging the headset cords a bit. "Oh! Sure!" Lemmy said. He and Iggy helped the boys out with the VR fun and watched as the two had a blast putting together ridiculous weapons and tossing an endless supply of grenades every which-way.

After a few hours, Iggy and Lemmy fell asleep on the couch. Hop slowly placed the popcorn bowl over Iggy's head. The four boys had already gone through their whole game catalog leaving them with nothing much else to do. Hip tapped his brother on the shoulder. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" He pointed over to the television. They both snickered as they pulled out their wands. "You know what they say!"

"Dad said," Hip started. "It's our turn to use the Xbox!" Hop finished.

The twins gave the game console a good ZAP. It sparked and flickered for a second and then it powered off. The two gave each-other a glance of confusion, and then shrugged. But as they turned around, a blinding white light engulfed the boys. It then engulfed the entire castle.

(...)

Iggy awoke on top of the desk of the office. He pulled out his phone to check the time. It was already the next day! He reached into his shell for his glasses and was met with a sight he did not expect. The whole office was all polygon-y! The window, the papers on the desk, even himself! "ACK!" Iggy shouted in a slightly muffled voice. "Someone pulled off my April Fools Day prank before I could!" But things were about to get way more unexpected.

"Ignatius." Ludwig swung open the office door. He was ripped. Absolutely shredded. Swole. He had a dang muscular body. "What did you do."

"I WISH I did this!" Iggy said, sliding off the desk. "But this wasn't my fault at all!"

"You're lying." Ludwig said formidably. He had a piercing gaze, his muscles throbbing with anger.

"I swear on a stack of pancakes! It's not me this time! And please! Put…" Iggy gestured towards his whole brother. "THOSE! Away! I beg you!"

Ludwig shook his meaty head. "I'd LOVE to, but I can't." "What d'ya mean?"

Kooky then entered the room, all pixelated. "BOY, am I REDACTED! You gotta take a look at this, quick!"

The three emerged from the room and into the hallway. There were Shy Guys t-posing everywhere. The carpet was clipping into the brick walls. Some of the quote-unquote "textures" of the building were glitched. The whole castle was in a state of disarray.

Then, a t-posing Bowser no-clipped through the wall. The three boys screamed.

"Alright. Which one of you boys did this?" He said exhaustedly. "Beats me!" shouted Iggy. "But check this out!" He just kept making his little square hands clip through each-other. His dad sighed. "Ugh. Fine. Whatever it is, FIX IT! You know where to find me." Bowser said, no-clipping back into the ceiling.

"Got any idea about what the heck's going on?" Iggy addressed. "I'm not quite sure!" Kooky said in a heavily filtered voice. "I came here to pick up the twins and ended up like this!" "Uh-oh. Where's the twins?!"

Suddenly, a bright red car sped through the hallways, gently bumping the Shy Guys away like they were helium balloons. As the car drove by, the three could clearly see the passengers of the car. It was Hip and Hop.

"Hey!" Iggy hollered angrily. "How'd those two get a dang car?!" "We'll talk about that later. Right now we need to follow that car!" His arm was then latched onto by his blocky brother. "Well, what are we waiting for? Let's GO GO GO!" They scuttled after the tiny car. Ludwig's new powerful leg muscles gave them a slight speed advantage.

Going through the castle was about as on par as going through a fun house. Objects were clipping through one another, certain parts of walls were jutting outward, everyone was moving erratically. Hip and Hop maneuvered their way through the polygon castle. Hop turned around to see Ludwig charging at them at full speed.

"Yikes! They're onto us, Hip! Step on it!" Hip hit the gas pedal promptly, zooming down the hall. The distressed and heavily t-posing Bowser suddenly stepped through the wall in the boys' way. "You two! Have you seen my glasses? I can't read my paperwork without them!" Before he could say anything else, he was bumped into by the speeding siblings and began slowly floating backwards. "Hrmph. Well, it can't get any worse than this." "GWAH! GAIN WAY!" Ludwig yelled before crashing right into Bowser, making him ragdoll upwards towards the roof.

It was like a high speed chase through the matrix, but the boys wouldn't give up just yet. Hip made an immediate right into the castle's dining hall. Two koopa chefs were hauling a giant pot of soup. "Alright, this soup is perfect for tonight! It's Bowser's favorite and it took us approximately 72 hours to prepare! Nothing could go wrong." With comedic timing, the red car made its way through the dining hall. Hip swerved the car around the soup chefs and continued onward. "Phew! That was strange…" With no warning at all, all of the soup floated out of the pot, no-clipping through the ceiling. "Gwargh! It's my favorite soup!" Bowser yelled from above, wherever the dink he even was.

The soup chefs looked up. "Ah. I stand corrected…THAT was strange." All of a sudden, Ludwig came bustin' through, knocking the soup chefs out of the way, continuing his hot pursuit.

The chase continued as they made their way through the literal twisting and turning hallways. "Dang it! They're getting faster!" Iggy yelled, holding on to his ripped brother for dear life. "Or we're getting slower cause we're riding on a guy. Ya got any more horsepower stored inside those pecs, Ludwig?" "In my WHAT?!"

"Guys!" A familiar voice cried out. It was Lemmy's! But he looked quite different. Different as in he was a human boy driving a huge truck. "Grab on!"

The boys gripped on to any part of Ludwig they could as he hopped into the enormous vehicle. In the car was Lemmy, a few rocket launchers, and Roy but with a tall body and slightly elongated limbs. "WHOA!" Roy shouted. "Ludwig got BEEFY!" "Yes, yes. We've established this multiple times." Ludwig huffed. "HE BUFF NOW!" A loud voice erupted from the truck. "Wh- Mort?" Iggy looked towards the car speakers. "HAHAH! ME GOT TURNED INTO A CAR!" "Well, don't stop me from… stopping you… doing whatever that is! BAHAHAHA! Corner that car towards the staircase ahead! I got an idea!" The Mort-Mobile gained in speed, quickly approaching the twins.

The boys turned back to see the pack of koopas had grown in size. "Speed up! Gas pedal!" Hip slammed on the gas once more, making another turn into a familiar looking staircase. The dark and red staircase was lined with portraits of Bowser. Hip and Hop sped up the stairs for what seemed forever. "We've got" Hop started. "...a LONG way to go." Hip finished. Hip shifted into reverse, beginning to back out of the staircase.

The Mort-Mobile stopped at the bottom of the stairs, blocking any chance of escaping. "We got you right where we want you!" Iggy yelled. "Yikes!" The car stopped at the bottom of the stairs.

Kooky leapt out of Ludwig's hair and on top of the car. "Hip! Hop! The jig is UP!" The tiny boys got out of their car. "Before you say anything…" Hop said. "...How do you know WE turned this castle into a game wreck?" Hip followed. Ludwig stepped in, pulling out a calling card. "I believe THIS proves it…" The card had two crude drawings of Hip and Hop on it followed by "We did it! We played on the X-Box!" written in crayon.

"It's… not even an Xbox. ...Well, mystery, uhh… Solved? I mean it was sorta solved earlier when we saw them driving the big honking car. Like, we knew it was them and not some benevolent game spirit or something." Iggy said, examining the card. "I suppose we like confrontation too much. We are in this detective business, after all." Ludwig noted. "ME STARTING TO GET SICK OF BEING CAR." Morton hollered, driving uncomfortably close to everyone.

"We're sorry, everyone." Hip and hop said in unison.

Back into the entertainment room, the boys waved their wands together, aiming it at the game console before just walking over and pushing the "off" button. Every effect on the castle almost instantly faded away. Textures returned back to normal, the Koopalings and their counterparts returned back to their normal koopa states, and Bowser no longer t-posed fiercely and furiously. "Huh. You mean to tell us we coulda just turned the console off?!" Lemmy asked. Hip and Hop nodded silently. "Why didn't you tell us?" Ludwig asked next. "We were having too much fun driving through the castle!" The twins said in unison once again. "How come my arms and legs got long." Roy questioned. The duo just shrugged. They honestly had no idea how it got like that.

"MORTON ACTUALLY MISS BEING TRUCK! MORTON NOT FAST ANYMORE." Morton sulked a little, but Lemmy gave him a reassuring smile. "That's okay! You can turn into a truck whenever you want! That's what our wands are for! ...I think." Morton perked up and raised his wand, waving it around. "SKIDADDLE, SKIDOODLE, UHH… MORTON WANT BECOME TRUCK!" he shouted. However, again, being the God of Chaos, he underestimated his power, turning everyone in the room into trucks.

"Uh. Okay, this is actually the opposite of what the wands are for." said Lemmy.

**\- - CASE 4: COMPLETE - -**


End file.
